Meredith Viera on the Today Show interrupted Susan’s comment, “the rest of the story you know…” with “the rest the world knows.” Not me, not Gloria Avyer. I don’t watch the Today Show and had missed all three seasons of American, Britain, and anywhere else’s “ Got Talent” shows. I had time for work, child care and crying, not TV. Who is Ellen Page anyway? Another show host claimed, “There may not be anyone alive today who hasn’t heard of Susan Boyle.” I was alive, living in a home full of electronics, even a TV, had plenty of time working on the internet but I hadn’t heard of her. My iTunes play count reveals that the same song was used 137 times to allow me to weep out my hurts each morning before facing the children with a smile. Why wasn’t I supposed to find Susan Boyle’s “I Dreamed a Dream” like everyone else? God’s answer, “Gloria, there is a special message here for you. You weren’t ready to hear it yet. Don’t worry, I’m in charge of message delivery.” Who knew God had Internet access and an Amazon account? Susan Boyle’s version of “I Dreamed a Dream” came to me in a CD. The CD includes Wild Horses in a soft whisper impossible for me to associate with Mick Jagger.
After twelve years of frustrating and frightening family and friends who can’t imagine how or why I have not left my treacherous marriage, Susan offers a tender account:
The things that you wanted, well, I bought them for you…describes over a decade of my enabling behavior.
I watched you suffer a dull aching pain, now you’ve decided to show me the same… is a true account of my abusive relationship.
Although it has taken years to let go of the anger and disappointment, due to an outpouring of love from our Lord, nothing can…make me feel bitter or treat you unkind…
What does it mean, “I don’t have much time?” let’s do some living..ok, that is fine. But why, “after we die”?
The question flips over in my mind as my daughter asks, “Why did the movie makers have her die?” Susanna is not thinking of wild horses but of an old movie. Tonight I had enjoyed Greta Garbo in Camille with all three children. I am impressed and almost inquisitive that they could be captivated by a black and white love story.
The children ask, “Why did you like it so much mom? There was a lot of kissing.” My answer is heartfelt, “It’s a story of the best kind of love. The kind you give even when it hurts, even if it leads to someone not loving you back or being angry. Choosing what is believed is best for the one you love whether or not it is best or easy for you.” My words even surprise me. My husband walks in. His face is still stone as it has been for hours. For a decade I have watched him continue to deny his illness and refuse prescribed medication. For months he’s engaged in a desperate search for any expert to ensure he’s “OK”, not “the problem.” Fruitlessly, the last two doctors are like the previous six when they answer “absolutely” to whether or not medication is needed. Today Jim is mad at me. His father chose to remove yet another excuse (“we can’t afford medication”) and thus left him one layer closer to owning his decision to reject doctors’ orders, so Jim is frustrated. His father is not here but I am, so the anger is toward me. Did he hear my answer about love? Does Jim recognize that the love I describe is what I have for him? Does it matter?
Why is “Wild Horses” stuck in my head? What does it mean for me? I have been loved in that selfless way by a living intimate God. Calls to obedience have challenged me, tests of faith have made me grow, trials led to perseverance. In all of my anger, frustration, and weakness, my Lord never left me. Wild horses couldn’t drag Him away. I can’t answer the question about movie makers and finality but I appreciate the encouragement to focus on eternity and not temporal living. I give thanks for all messages from God whether delivered via pony express or wild horses. And now I pray for strength and guidance as I seek to love the best I can each day never knowing the final scene for my own life’s screen.
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