Beth Moore asked that I  (and thousands of others) pray that she continue to have a fiery love for our Lord Jesus Christ.  How wonderful that a pioneer in Bible study would have the insight and humility to ask such a thing.  I do.

I do pray that is.  There I am face down (another Beth Moore inspiration) in my living room.  “Coincidently (of course there are no coincidences, only God-incidences).  I have just built a beautiful fire on a freezing day and I am preparing to begin this week’s Bible study homework.  In true Gloria form I get over aggressive about stoking and before long an ember escapes and burns a hole right through my pajamas.  God has forever revealed himself to me through humor and continues on this day.  As I am praying for “fiery” love for Beth I sneak in a request for wholeness in my life.  God immediately plays a joke on me.  There is no evidence that I am more holy but am assured that my PJ’s at least are hole-y!  



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Dealing with a mental illness or even a simple fear can be manageable and a rich way to build a loving, trusting foundation.  Imagine talking with a five-year old ballerina who is afraid to go on stage for the big performance.  You can attempt to force the youngster from back stage hidden behind curtains and nudge her along with her friends into the blinding lights and hundreds of “aw’s.” Or you can address the concern and try to work it out together, “I know you are scared, do you want to tell me about it?  Do you need to skip it today?”  I was a surprised when my friend calmly explained to me that her daughter simply couldn’t go through with it.  Our daughters were “cooks” in the Nutcracker and the girls were to open the Act II walking across the stage proudly holding rolling pins or bags of flour.  My heart still thumps when I think about it.  My friend knew that no one in the audience would notice one less cook and creating a negative experience for her daughter could ruin a lifetime of positive ones.  Many years later, I still treasure Nutcracker season.  This year I watch through tears of joy as my friend’s daughter floated across the stage with a radiant smile delighting in her star role of Marie.

In my experience, forcing NEVER works.  With mental illness, rage and violence are likely to erupt.  When mental illness is denied the challenges unfortunately compound.  Since you are unable to speak truthfully and logically about fears and concerns, then what would be encouragement or a nice invitation to a more stable person feels like “force” to the mentally unstable.  And worse, there is no discussion of solution because the trust builder, of “I see you are feeling…” is not a welcome conversation.  Lastly, continual efforts to lovingly discuss situations without bringing truth about feelings of commitment, fear of failure, insecurities, etc. are exhausting.  Below I share a typical, although not exact, conversation from my world:

Honey, you asked for an orange so I am going to get you an orange.

Thanks, that would be great, I really appreciate it.

Do you really need it?  Why do you want it?  When do you need it?  Who else has an orange?  Why do they think they need an orange?

Oh, I guess I will get the orange, thanks anyway for considering it.

No, no, you asked for it so I will get it for you.

Great, that would be wonderful.  I really appreciate it.

Days pass, no orange.  An awareness by both that there is no orange.  Eyes avoid contact.  Conversations intentionally fill with subjects to other than the request for an orange.

Eventually, “Honey, did you get the orange?”

Well no, you didn’t tell me what kind of orange you needed.  Did you want a navel orange, a large orange, a small orange?  By when did you need the orange?  Why do you expect me to do things when you don’t tell me what you need?”  You expect too much of me, I can’t read your mind.  There was an article in the paper today about women expecting men to read their minds.  Too many women are like that.  You are like that.  I hate when you want me to read your mind. Why do you want me to read your mind?

I am sorry.  I just wanted an orange.  Any orange would do thanks.  I really appreciate you getting it.  Do you still want to get it or shall I get it myself?

No, no, I will get it.  It is important for me to help out.  I helped out yesterday.  I will help out tomorrow.  I am a good contributor.  You don’t appreciate me and what I contribute. You don’t think I am a good husband.  You don’t think I am a good father.   I am a good father and I am good husband.  I am not no good.

You are not speaking about my feelings.  Do you want to talk about your feelings?

No

Do you want to get the orange?

Yes, I will get you the orange.

Thanks.  I appreciate it.

Days pass, no orange.  The continual void of awareness by both that there is no orange.  Eyes avoid contact.  Conversations fill with subjects to avoid the conversation about the orange.

Eventually, “Honey, did you get the orange?”

Did you really need it?  What did you need it for?  When were you going to use it?  Do you still want it?  I thought you didn’t want it anymore?  You said you could get it.  Didn’t you say you could get it?  I distinctly remember you saying you could get it?  Right?  Why did you say you could get it if you can’t?  I don’t understand you.  You are so hard to understand.  Frank doesn’t understand you either.  I distinctly remember one time Frank said you were confusing.  You are hard to understand.  You are difficult.

I am sorry for the confusion.  I was counting on you to get it.  Do you still want to bring me an orange?

Yes I will get it.  Safeway has oranges.  I will be there on Monday.  I will get you an orange.  I am going for the meeting.  The meeting is important.  I am important.  I have learned that I am important.  I am doing lots of things to show I am a helper and I am important.  I wish you would think I was important.

I don’t understand what you are saying.   You are not speaking about my feelings.  Do you want to talk about your feelings?

No

Do you want to get the orange?

I will get you the orange.  I do what I say I am going to do.  I am dependable.  You never appreciate me.  You don’t think I am dependable.  You don’t appreciate me for anything.  You want me to buy an orange.  I will buy an orange.  I can buy an orange.  I will do what you want me to do.

Thanks.  I appreciate it.

Days pass, no orange.  Big void of awareness by both that there is no orange.  Eyes avoid contact.  Conversations fill with subjects to avoid the conversation about the orange.

Eventually, “Honey, did you get the orange?”

Yes.  I bought it just like I said I would.  I got the orange.  I help out.  I do things for you.  You never told me what part of the orange you needed.  Did you need the peel?  Did you need the center?  Did you need the juice?  Why do you ask me to read your mind?  Lots of women want men to read their minds.  I read about studies about women like you.  I know you and how you think because I read the studies.  I told you about this.  You must not have listened.  You don’t read the studies so you don’t know.  I got the orange just like I said I would when I went to the meeting.  I went to the meeting.  I am important.  There were important people at the meeting.  The people at the meeting think I am important.  I am important. Jim was at the meeting.  He is doing important things.

Great.  I am happy for you.  Where is the orange?

You want the orange?  Did you say you wanted it?  How was I supposed to know you wanted the orange?  I ate it.  I didn’t know you needed to have the orange.  I thought you said you just wanted me to buy it.  Didn’t you say you wanted me to buy an orange?  How was I supposed to know that you weren’t asking me just for the experience of buying the orange?  You never told me why you needed the orange.  How was I supposed to know?   I didn’t know you wanted the part of the orange that you eat.  I didn’t know if you wanted the peel or the orange.  Did you tell me?  I don’t remember you telling me?  Why didn’t you tell me?  I bought the orange on Monday after my meeting just like you told me to.  So, now you are mad.  Now you are disappointed.  I did just what you told me to do.  I bought an orange.  I went to a meeting.  I am good.  It is never enough.  Here, there is a seed left.

Thanks.  I appreciate it.

Now, filled with joy and appreciation she gives thanks.  She is happy with the peace and quiet from the attacks.  She is relieved the conversation is over and prayerful that perhaps someday a more honest conversation can arise.  She gives thanks for the seed, the husband that tries, the chance to have a family, and the great life she enjoys.  Most importantly she gives thanks for a God that continues to turn a tiny seed into a blossoming orchard.


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I totally treasure some surprising things: a girl going blind, a mother dying young, and being mistreated by my minister and deacon.

Really?  Would I wish a 14 year-old girl (or anyone for that matter) to lose her eyesight?  I wouldn’t have thought so.  Yet, here I am thanking God for one bright and curious little girl who went blind and her dedicated and loving sister who replaced her eyesight with detailed descriptive accounts of their lives. Personally, reading the Laura Ingalls Wilder’s books has created quiet special moments in my family that serve as a foundation for our unity.  Moreover, Laura’s stories detailing the food, chores, and challenges of westward moving settlers provide an important account of American history not found elsewhere.  Laura mentioned that when Mary lost her sight, Laura had to be her “eyes.”  Thus, she learned to illustrate colors, landscapes, people, and events by weaving together words in order to replace images.  One day God put it on my heart that without this experience Laura wouldn’t have produced the descriptive narratives we cherish for their peaceful bonding moments and American history portrayal.  Thank you God for creating a lasting treasure from this tragedy.  I pray today for a mother in the midst of mourning a set back for her own child to find comfort in the possibilities.

Additionally, I praise God for a woman’s premature death thus leaving behind seven precious children and a very lonesome husband. How tragic.  On September 3rd, 1922 Agathe Whitehaed Von Trapp died of Scarlet Fever she had contracted from her daughter Agathe.  (Amazingly, “Little Agatha” lived to be 97 only passing in 2011).  You guessed it.  I am not just a casual fan of the world’s most popular movie,  “The Sound of Music.”  You might say I am an addict.  We have taken the tour in Salzburg, we speak German, wear dirndls and lederhosen, and watch and re-watch the movie.  Yet, I think the actual family is more interesting than the one depicted in the film.   Since I am someone familiar with mental illness and rage I found it especially interesting that one child said of Maria Von Trapp:

"She had a terrible temper. . . . And from one moment to the next, you didn't know what hit her. We were not used to this. But we took it like a thunderstorm that would pass, because the next minute she could be very nice."

I love so many things about The Sound of Music: the story, the music, the setting, and scenery.  Mostly, I love the “theology” that we are to climb every mountain; that when God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window; we must face, not shut out our problems; that God is preparing each of us with incredible talents for His glory; and we never know which talents He might use or how, whether it is singing, leadership, or confidence.  The only theology I disagree with is “I must have done something good…” depicting God as some sort of Santa Claus checking his list twice.  But mostly I love that out of devastation came glory, not only for a family, but a worldwide story of hope and survival even in the most dire of situations.

Lastly, surprise, surprise, I was not thrilled when the tragedy was mine.  I was shattered when I could find no help or support while my husband’s mental illness led to damaging rages, financial destruction, and a total sense of chaos for me and our three children.  Why did my minister scold me for privately seeking him to console and advise me about help for mental illness?  Why did my Deacon reprimand me for needing the safety of separation when my husband’s violence was more than I could bear? “God is clear about sticking with the marriage,” he would admonish.  It was a lonely, devastating time.  One that only quiet, prayer, and tears with our Lord can heal.  Eventually strength came.  I didn’t realize what a blessing their hubris and critical spirits were to me until recently when I started blogging.  I found one of my faith essays on the “I hate God” Facebook page.  There I saw hardened hearts totally closed to the Gospel and love of Christ.  I wanted to argue, to set them straight, to make them love God.  But my heart swelled, God whispered to me that they had been hurt just like I had.  That somewhere along the line they had a hope or expectation of humans in the church and it was unmet.  I wept.  I knew He was right.  Why do humans have to be so… human?  Why does the church have to be “fixed” by those who are “broken?”  I knew that I had a chance to share love, to listen, and to give.  I knew that this gift was mine only because of the devastating experience I had had and now I was grateful for that gift. 

Thank you God for the tragedies before us today.  Let us hand over to you our devastations and sit back and watch you weave them into glory!


Note: It is worth restating that having a mental illness can be NO problem, denying it can be devastating.

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In the after math of Sandy as so many of my northern friends continue to suffer without electricity, I thought I would share this experience my family had a few years back.  I hope it is encouraging:

“What is a generator” my six year old son asked.  The lights had just flickered into darkness, the basketball game disappeared from the TV and the stir-fry on the stove came to an abrupt halt.  We looked around the neighborhood and upon seeing lights across the way my husband announced, “Larry’s generator kicked in.”

Heading for the flashlight I started to explain about the storm, electricity, public utilities, and of course private generators.  By now our 8 year old daughter was in the mix with her own questions while patting the curly headed three year old, “don’t worry Bub, you’ll be OK.”  Initially the house felt not only dark, but cold and uncertain.  I checked the clock and immediately wondered if we should catch the next ferry to the mainland and spend the night with family.  My dear husband remained calm and discouraged that idea.

Before long the house was aglow with candles, the fireplace crackled with warmth.  The children began piano and violin concerts and we talked.  Later we read our next chapter of a Laura Ingalls Wilder book and relished in it.  Are those special quiet family evenings she described gone?  Is there a way to get them back into our culture?  What REALLY is a generator?  As far as I could tell, a generator was something that keeps people from the most precious family time imaginable.  I don’t want one.



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You have heard of deadly sins and cardinal sins.  Do you know the one unredeemable sin? 

Although some are taught that certain sins carry more weight, the Bible is clear that a sin is a sin is a sin.  It even goes so far as to say that to lust after another man’s wife is the same as adultery itself.  So the way I see it, God is leveling the playing field here.  He removes any opportunity to point the finger at the “really bad guy.”

What about murder?  Shouldn’t that be in a category all its own?  Nope.  Again, the Bible tells the story of personal redemption.  All people may redeem themselves through a relationship with our Lord and Savior.   The story of David shows that murder AND adultery were redeemable even before Christ walked the earth and the Holy Spirit dwelled within us.

Yet there is one commandment to watch out for: Do not be unequally yoked.  Plain as day, yet it is easy to miss.  It is certainly not in the big ten and I don’t think it is even repeated.  More confusing are the apparent contradictions in the Bible.  We are told to care for the sick and poor, minister to others, witness unceasingly, love they neighbor as thy self.  One could get confused.  

Many of us missed this critical commandment all together.  And most likely we did so not with ill intended hearts; actually quite the opposite.  Personally, I was filled with joy and appreciation for the grace and mercy God has poured out, so the natural tendency was to want to pour it out onto others.  And those who DO NOT know Him are more in need and seemed to be better targets for such love.  Thus we might fill out cups with the everlasting water of God’s love and pour, pour, pour.  What I have learned is that while pouring may be fine, attaching or yoking is not!

My checkered past reminds me that no one has sinned more than me.  Yet my blessed present days filled with the joys of three wonderful children remind me that no one has been blessed more than me.  So, my life philosophy is simple.  God loves me.  I deserve his love less than anyone alive but have been given it more so. In sum: "Since God loves me, I love you."

It is a great plan which God supports.  Loving others is encouraged.  BUT don’t miss 2 Corinthians 6:14.  Attaching ourselves (i.e. marrying, founding a business) nonbelievers is the no-no.  Had I been deep into Scripture earlier in life, I wouldn’t have missed it I suppose.  But life is a journey and Christianity is a walk.  I prayed, attended church regularly, journalled, served, and like many brides nearly memorized 1 Corinthians 13’s advice on love.  Yet, somehow I missed this critical passage in the very next book. 

Why is being unequally yoked the one and only nonredeemable sin?  This is the one YOU can’t pray yourself out of.   Even GOD can’t alone do His miracle.  God loves us.  His one desire is to know us.  To know us we must be in relationship with Him.  A personal relationship requires a personal commitment.  There it is.  God is a gentleman.  He waits patiently at the door of our hearts but refuses to break it down.  Could He?  Well, Scripture and my life experiences have taught me there is NOTHING God can’t do.  But there is one thing God won’t do.  He won’t make someone love Him.  If He did, where would faith be?  He allows us to live in a world of chaos which causes Him and us great pain.  Nevertheless this world of chaos allows for personal will.  Truly it is His greatest gift to us.  He gives us the ability to choose to love Him.  Thank you God for this remarkable gift! 

So now what do we do?  Perhaps some have used this passage as an excuse for divorce.  Try typing divorce into your online concordance.  You don’t have to do too much scrolling before seeing divorce is not something God supports.  You’re in it, be safe, stick with it...

Jesus does offer us his yoke.  Let’s try it on.  He even promises that when we take up His yoke our load will be light.  I have found this to be true.  I am "unequally" yoked to my verbally abusive bipolar husband.  Though we have suffered four separations necessary for the safety of my family we are growing.  The growth really started when I fully yoked myself to Christ.  I explained to my husband that I was married to Jesus and that my husband is welcome to join us; that will have to be his choice, not mine.  I have found that being bipolar is no reason for separation from God or anyone.  My experience demonstrates that denying mental illness and blaming the condition on others creates separation.  God created us the way we are.  Part of putting on His yoke is to accept who we are, learn to make the most of it, and accept the love that surrounds us.  Today, I remain prayerful that one day my husband will accept that opportunity.  So, even God won't force my spouse to love me or God.  Yet, through Christ, I can have enough love for both of us,  Thank you, Jesus! 

Note: It is worth restating that having a mental illness can be NO problem, denying it can be devastating.

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